So, I have a job which doesn't allow a lot of personal creativity. Or, at least, the kind of personal creativity they want is not the kind I have to give.
I have another job in which I am to write about myself or other random topics, but in a humorous fashion. That's not a problem for me, but sometimes, I have non-humorous things to say.
(A third job, which will start whenever somebody over there decides to make it start, has nothing to do with anything, which is why it's in parenthesis.)
At this point, I'm pretty sure anybody who read this blog is long gone, which is fine. I just really need to talk and this seems like as good a place as any.
I feel like shit. I don't know if I don't like my job or if my job doesn't like me or what's going on, but I can't seem to do anything right lately. My boss has assigned me to a new boss, which is a great feeling. And of course my new boss answers to my old boss, so I really have two bosses, both of which want me to tell them everything, which kind of begs the question, why not just have one of you?
Anyway, my confidence is at an all-time low. A recent project was given and then taken away from me. Nobody seems willing to talk to me about anything, which is worrisome. And when people do talk to me, it's that kind of slow, overly enunciated speech that lets me know that they think I'm an idiot.
When I come up with an idea and they like it, I'm told to do it. And then they come back to me about it like I must have forgotten and have no idea how to do the thing I suggested doing in the first place. If I ask for advice, I'm a moron. If I don't ask for advice, I'm told to give updates, and then they take the updates as if I was asking for advice and I'm a moron again.
This place is so goddamn lonely. I would talk about my problems, which people ask about, but when I do, they immediately decide that they want to talk about themselves or about anything else at all.
I'm at the point where I can't help but think they're sending a message and that the message is, "We made a mistake hiring you. We will probably be firing you if there are another round of layoffs. You could save us all a lot of trouble by going somewhere else and ruining things there."
Problem is, I've been here less than two years. My experience level is nowhere near what I need it to be to find a better job and the market is such that I'd be lucky to find a job that's a step down.
I find myself dreading coming in to work every morning, which is exactly how I felt at the last job before I left. And when every comment and signal coming from my superiors is, "Why did we ever hire you, you piece of crap?" it's hard to muster any enthusiasm for the day. Which then gives them an excuse to say that the problem is my attitude.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't and I'm so close to not giving a damn anyway that I don't know what to do.
There's my brain dump, imaginary audience. Sorry to make you wade through it.
