I guess my last post was pretty dark, but I was in a pretty dark mood, so it makes sense. What I didn't realize was that anybody still stopped by this broken-down exit to Hickville on the Information Superhighway. (Did I just invent that phrase? Certainly I'm the first!)
Anyway, Chase and Daniel Dale-Grogan took me out to lunch today and they were...concerned. It was an odd look on them, mostly because I thought they were bastard people, not given to emotions. But that's why I like them, because I, too, am a bastard person.
I realize of course that both of these men are fathers, or at least both have hot wives who convinced them they were fathers. (Ha ha! Infidelity!) And of course they have feelings and emotions and empathy. They both have kids to worry about. And hot wives. You have to feel ways about things to have a hot wife. (I have a hot wife and I like to feel my way around her things if you...OK, I'll shut up.)
So they said they were worried about me, which is nice, but I'm not someone who can really deal with my emotions with other people very well, so I played it off. Truthfully, I'm feel much less awful for the most part, and I don't think they need to worry about me. But they do, and I'm glad to have friends who care.
Of course my playing it off makes me seem like an asshole, but I honestly don't know how to talk about feelings with my friends. I haven't had a friend that I could talk to like that since high school. Vulnerability is hard to show to people who you have befriended because of their skill at mercilessly mocking others. You don't start palling around with the hangman and start babbling about your long, luxurious neck.
So, guys, thank you for your concern. Sorry I'm not good at accepting empathy from people. I also suck at taking compliments, but that's less apparent, because I never do anything well enough for people to try. (Self-deprecating humor, if you couldn't tell, is where my strength lies.)
Still, if anybody sees a job out there that's perfect for me, let me know. My job now is better than it was, but I'm glad to explore options that include leaving here and doing something I like.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Ugh.
So, I have a job which doesn't allow a lot of personal creativity. Or, at least, the kind of personal creativity they want is not the kind I have to give.
I have another job in which I am to write about myself or other random topics, but in a humorous fashion. That's not a problem for me, but sometimes, I have non-humorous things to say.
(A third job, which will start whenever somebody over there decides to make it start, has nothing to do with anything, which is why it's in parenthesis.)
At this point, I'm pretty sure anybody who read this blog is long gone, which is fine. I just really need to talk and this seems like as good a place as any.
I feel like shit. I don't know if I don't like my job or if my job doesn't like me or what's going on, but I can't seem to do anything right lately. My boss has assigned me to a new boss, which is a great feeling. And of course my new boss answers to my old boss, so I really have two bosses, both of which want me to tell them everything, which kind of begs the question, why not just have one of you?
Anyway, my confidence is at an all-time low. A recent project was given and then taken away from me. Nobody seems willing to talk to me about anything, which is worrisome. And when people do talk to me, it's that kind of slow, overly enunciated speech that lets me know that they think I'm an idiot.
When I come up with an idea and they like it, I'm told to do it. And then they come back to me about it like I must have forgotten and have no idea how to do the thing I suggested doing in the first place. If I ask for advice, I'm a moron. If I don't ask for advice, I'm told to give updates, and then they take the updates as if I was asking for advice and I'm a moron again.
This place is so goddamn lonely. I would talk about my problems, which people ask about, but when I do, they immediately decide that they want to talk about themselves or about anything else at all.
I'm at the point where I can't help but think they're sending a message and that the message is, "We made a mistake hiring you. We will probably be firing you if there are another round of layoffs. You could save us all a lot of trouble by going somewhere else and ruining things there."
Problem is, I've been here less than two years. My experience level is nowhere near what I need it to be to find a better job and the market is such that I'd be lucky to find a job that's a step down.
I find myself dreading coming in to work every morning, which is exactly how I felt at the last job before I left. And when every comment and signal coming from my superiors is, "Why did we ever hire you, you piece of crap?" it's hard to muster any enthusiasm for the day. Which then gives them an excuse to say that the problem is my attitude.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't and I'm so close to not giving a damn anyway that I don't know what to do.
There's my brain dump, imaginary audience. Sorry to make you wade through it.
I have another job in which I am to write about myself or other random topics, but in a humorous fashion. That's not a problem for me, but sometimes, I have non-humorous things to say.
(A third job, which will start whenever somebody over there decides to make it start, has nothing to do with anything, which is why it's in parenthesis.)
At this point, I'm pretty sure anybody who read this blog is long gone, which is fine. I just really need to talk and this seems like as good a place as any.
I feel like shit. I don't know if I don't like my job or if my job doesn't like me or what's going on, but I can't seem to do anything right lately. My boss has assigned me to a new boss, which is a great feeling. And of course my new boss answers to my old boss, so I really have two bosses, both of which want me to tell them everything, which kind of begs the question, why not just have one of you?
Anyway, my confidence is at an all-time low. A recent project was given and then taken away from me. Nobody seems willing to talk to me about anything, which is worrisome. And when people do talk to me, it's that kind of slow, overly enunciated speech that lets me know that they think I'm an idiot.
When I come up with an idea and they like it, I'm told to do it. And then they come back to me about it like I must have forgotten and have no idea how to do the thing I suggested doing in the first place. If I ask for advice, I'm a moron. If I don't ask for advice, I'm told to give updates, and then they take the updates as if I was asking for advice and I'm a moron again.
This place is so goddamn lonely. I would talk about my problems, which people ask about, but when I do, they immediately decide that they want to talk about themselves or about anything else at all.
I'm at the point where I can't help but think they're sending a message and that the message is, "We made a mistake hiring you. We will probably be firing you if there are another round of layoffs. You could save us all a lot of trouble by going somewhere else and ruining things there."
Problem is, I've been here less than two years. My experience level is nowhere near what I need it to be to find a better job and the market is such that I'd be lucky to find a job that's a step down.
I find myself dreading coming in to work every morning, which is exactly how I felt at the last job before I left. And when every comment and signal coming from my superiors is, "Why did we ever hire you, you piece of crap?" it's hard to muster any enthusiasm for the day. Which then gives them an excuse to say that the problem is my attitude.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't and I'm so close to not giving a damn anyway that I don't know what to do.
There's my brain dump, imaginary audience. Sorry to make you wade through it.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Continuing Battle Against Morbid Obesity
I'm trying to lose weight again. I got really fat late last year and I'm slowly getting rid of some of it. My waist certainly feels thinner, and Dr. Wife has been kind enough to tell me she can see the difference.
But progress is hard to maintain, and I'm living proof. Getting thinner (and doing so in a healthy manner) doesn't always stick. And just knowing that has me worried, because while I feel like I'm doing well now, I don't know how long it will last.
One of my biggest problems, in this endeavor as well as in my life generally, is that I tend to focus on the negatives. I can't eat that food I like. I don't want to drag myself to the gym every night. I don't feel like I'll ever get where I want to be.
So I'm trying to focus on the good stuff and there is a lot of good stuff. Heart burn and acid reflux are totally gone, no matter how spicy the foods I eat. My clothes fit better (or are too big, in some cases). I have more energy. I sleep better. I wake up better. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I don't want to go to the gym and I do anyway.
Still, it's hard to stay positive, if only because the positives seem like they should be baseline and not some goal. And maybe they will be, if I can keep at it long enough. I just don't know if I'll stick with it this time. I worry that if I fail, I won't be able to convince myself to try again.
Yeah, this one isn't funny. I just realized that.
But progress is hard to maintain, and I'm living proof. Getting thinner (and doing so in a healthy manner) doesn't always stick. And just knowing that has me worried, because while I feel like I'm doing well now, I don't know how long it will last.
One of my biggest problems, in this endeavor as well as in my life generally, is that I tend to focus on the negatives. I can't eat that food I like. I don't want to drag myself to the gym every night. I don't feel like I'll ever get where I want to be.
So I'm trying to focus on the good stuff and there is a lot of good stuff. Heart burn and acid reflux are totally gone, no matter how spicy the foods I eat. My clothes fit better (or are too big, in some cases). I have more energy. I sleep better. I wake up better. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I don't want to go to the gym and I do anyway.
Still, it's hard to stay positive, if only because the positives seem like they should be baseline and not some goal. And maybe they will be, if I can keep at it long enough. I just don't know if I'll stick with it this time. I worry that if I fail, I won't be able to convince myself to try again.
Yeah, this one isn't funny. I just realized that.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Welcome to Hell
So, I guess all that good fortune that was coming my way was just to build me up for a big fall. The new column...Yay! The new horoscopes job (that the guy who offered it to me has not yet called to confirm, so it probably won't happen)...Yay!
But there is a...Boo! coming, of course. I might lose my job, my real job, the one that pays for everything, sometime this month. Not just me, of course. Other people might lose their jobs too, but I might be in a group -- composed of me+other people -- who don't have jobs anymore.
And that is a thing I would call stressful. I mean, I get stressed normally. But this seems to be a greater level of stressfulness than I was previously acquainted with. And that sucks.
The worst part is, all my friends who just went through this are people who, you know, just went through this. And because my wait until knowing my fate is a paltry week and a half and theirs was two months, I really can't bitch about it. But I keep going anyway!
Europe is, temporarily at least, off the table. As are any other expenditures that aren't completely necessary. Milk, I will still buy. Watches and televisions, not so much. Chicago is still happening, because it has already been paid for and it's a work thing anyway. But until I know for sure about my job, there will be no joy in Muddville, which is what people call my cubicle.
Seacrest ort.
But there is a...Boo! coming, of course. I might lose my job, my real job, the one that pays for everything, sometime this month. Not just me, of course. Other people might lose their jobs too, but I might be in a group -- composed of me+other people -- who don't have jobs anymore.
And that is a thing I would call stressful. I mean, I get stressed normally. But this seems to be a greater level of stressfulness than I was previously acquainted with. And that sucks.
The worst part is, all my friends who just went through this are people who, you know, just went through this. And because my wait until knowing my fate is a paltry week and a half and theirs was two months, I really can't bitch about it. But I keep going anyway!
Europe is, temporarily at least, off the table. As are any other expenditures that aren't completely necessary. Milk, I will still buy. Watches and televisions, not so much. Chicago is still happening, because it has already been paid for and it's a work thing anyway. But until I know for sure about my job, there will be no joy in Muddville, which is what people call my cubicle.
Seacrest ort.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
It has to come from somewhere, right?
So, I'm listening to NPR on the way to work this morning, because I guess I like to yell at my radio. Certainly there can't be any other reason, at least not these days, because that is what happens every morning when I listen to NPR.
This morning the talk was about changes to the military budget. A bunch of projects -- some in Oklahoma -- are being cut because, you know, we don't need them. A cannon we can't use? Check. Planes that aren't good at what need them for? Check. All of this at the behest of our President, Barack Obama.
Shockingly, some Republicans disagree. Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Tarded) can't believe they would cancel plans for a cannon that is no good for fighting the insurgency, even though that's the only kind of war we're fighting anymore.
And the Sen. Mary Fallin (R-Dumbass) says, "We have to keep developing new military options, but NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF THE OLD OPTIONS." Which is why she is putting forth legislation for the military to train with catapults, daggers and maces.
Guess what "fiscally responsible conservatives," you say all the time how you'd like for us to be able to spend on luxuries like feeding the hungry, treating the infirm and teaching the ignorant (like that Jesus-feller is always preaching), but, you know, not at the expense of not building more weapons that we aren't using anymore.
It's not like ending the F-22 is it for air superiority. We're building the goddamn F-35, already. Oh, but this is about jobs, huh? Well, I guess you could have voted for the President's bill to create jobs, but then you'd be siding with the Democrats, and we can't have that.
God, I am getting pissed off all over again. I just can't believe this is the shit our politicians spout. "Lower taxes. Less spending. Except don't cut spending on a thing we're not using. Also, spend more on new weapons. But less spending. I'm sure we can cut something minor like education and we'll be fine."
Yup, because we're doing so fucking great right now.
This morning the talk was about changes to the military budget. A bunch of projects -- some in Oklahoma -- are being cut because, you know, we don't need them. A cannon we can't use? Check. Planes that aren't good at what need them for? Check. All of this at the behest of our President, Barack Obama.
Shockingly, some Republicans disagree. Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Tarded) can't believe they would cancel plans for a cannon that is no good for fighting the insurgency, even though that's the only kind of war we're fighting anymore.
And the Sen. Mary Fallin (R-Dumbass) says, "We have to keep developing new military options, but NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF THE OLD OPTIONS." Which is why she is putting forth legislation for the military to train with catapults, daggers and maces.
Guess what "fiscally responsible conservatives," you say all the time how you'd like for us to be able to spend on luxuries like feeding the hungry, treating the infirm and teaching the ignorant (like that Jesus-feller is always preaching), but, you know, not at the expense of not building more weapons that we aren't using anymore.
It's not like ending the F-22 is it for air superiority. We're building the goddamn F-35, already. Oh, but this is about jobs, huh? Well, I guess you could have voted for the President's bill to create jobs, but then you'd be siding with the Democrats, and we can't have that.
God, I am getting pissed off all over again. I just can't believe this is the shit our politicians spout. "Lower taxes. Less spending. Except don't cut spending on a thing we're not using. Also, spend more on new weapons. But less spending. I'm sure we can cut something minor like education and we'll be fine."
Yup, because we're doing so fucking great right now.
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