It's the most wonderful expensive time of the year

I am considering giving up friendships. And possibly family-ships. All these ships are getting expensive.

You: "Oh, great, it's time for Ol' Pants to start bitching about being broke all the time again! It must be (checks watch) five whole minutes since the last time!"

Me: "Why are you being such an asshole?"

You: "Maybe because you're so worked up about how much presents cost that you're positing ending our friendship so you don't have to buy them for me, totally skipping over the fact that, if anyone was going to end this friendship, it would be me."

Me: "Oh, that is just like you. Suddenly I'm the needy friend. Thanks. That makes me want to keep this friendship going. That doesn't make me take the above joke a little more seriously."

You: "Fuck you."

Me: "No, fuck you!"

...

Ahem. Sorry about that. My inner-outer monologues tend to get heated. Of course I'm not actually going to end any friendships over the cost of presents. Hell, if I had more money, I'd buy my friends better stuff. As it is, I feel bad that I'm spending what seems like a large chunk of my meager income for what turns out to be pretty crappy presents.

And I'm sorry if money has come up too much as a topic. Listen, if I was single, dateless and horny, I'm sure money wouldn't come up so much. But I'm married, old and cheap, so you're either going to a) listen to my money woes, b) listen to my medical woes or c) smarten up and stop listening altogether.

Hell, at least my friends are easier to buy for than my family. Is there anything more telling about our relationships with our parents than the relative hardship of finding something decent for them for Christmas? I love my parents. I love my brother and his wife. But do I know them? I mean, enough to know of things they want that they don't have? Sadly, no.

Worse still, it's become apparent that the things I like are definitely not the things they like. So my natural inclination to buy them DVDs of old TV shows they like, because that's something I like, is wrong. My parents don't watch DVDs. They hardly like what's on TV now, but they watch it because it's on. If they had to get up and put a disc in, possibly missing "breaking news," they'd never watch TV.

No, my friends are easy. And not just in a slutty way. They have hobbies and interests that we talk about. I know the stuff they're into. Believe me, if I had any taste, shopping for my wife would be a breeze. Awesome purses? Cool sweaters? Fancy yarn? All things she loves. I couldn't pick them out to save my life, but there you go. At least I can throw a dart in the right direction.

And my brother and sister-in-law? I have NO clue. None. They buy whatever they want. They buy DVDs even I would be embarrassed to own, and I have eight copies of "Snatch" and former USA Up All Night favorites "H.O.T.S."

No, I really have no clue what to get them for Christmas. Nor do I have the money to get it for them. Well, at least I love little baby Jesus and OH MY GOD I THINK I HATE CHRISTMAS.

You: "Fuck you."

Me: "OK, that's enough."

And now, an obligatory comic book post

DC, purveyor of fine comic bookables, is now in the business of pissing me off. First they axed "Manhunter" for the 8th time, then they killed off "Legion of Superheroes," despite it being awesome, and buried "Birds of Prey."

Now, clearly aiming to enrage me without having to sleep with my mother, they announced the end of "Blue Beetle." To quote a guy who just dropped a delicious sandwich on a floor liberally sprinkled with dog hair and pencil shavings....

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Man, I really like "Blue Beetle." It's one of the first books I read every month and just about the only book with a Latino hero in it. The writing's funny and smart and they tell good long story arcs without skimping on the issue-by-issue thrills. If you liked "Spider-Man" back when it was good, then you would love "Blue Beetle" (and "Invincible," too.)

Since I'm 30 and paying a mortgage and I need a new car and my wife is going to start asking for baby-making materials soon, maybe this is the sign I've been waiting for to just kick the comic book habit. Marvel and DC both seem to target the books I love for cancellation exclusively and for the remaining titles, there's a price hike planned.

I might have to grow up and start collecting...wine or scotch or something. And I don't even like scotch.

Shit...

A Letter to American Car Manufacturers

I drive a Toyota Camry. My previous cars included a Mazda 626 and a Toyota Celica. My wife drives a Camry. My dad drives a hybrid Camry. My mom drives a Camry Solara. My sister-in-law has a Honda Accord. Only my brother is driving an American car, a Chevy Tahoe, and only because he can't sell it now because it's worth next to nothing in these times of petroleum scarcity.

That said, I want to buy one of your cars. I do. I sincerely do. But you're not making it easy.

Every time I pass a Honda Fit on the road or a Toyota Prius, I think to myself, "There's a car I'd like to own." I sometimes pass Mustangs or Corvettes and think, "That might be fun to drive for a bit, but there's no way I'd own one of those."

And here's why: American cars are not as safe as Japanese cars. American cars do not have the fuel economy of Japanese cars. And, shockingly, American cars are more expensive than Japanese cars.

Now, you might say, "That's because American cars are made by Americans who demand more in wages and benefits." And I would be inclined to believe you, except for this one thing. It's not true.

In fact, more of my Toyota car was built in America than some American cars.

But that's enough picking on you, American auto makers. I just want to give you some advice. Please, please, please, for all of our sakes, start considering what people want and what people need. Please make a safer automobile. Please make a fuel efficient automobile. Please make an automobile that will be reliable. And if you can do those things and make sure it's built here in the U.S.A., I will buy that car, even if it costs a little more than the Japanese equivalent.

I want to buy American. I do. But you're not making it easy. Right now, the choice is between a good car and an American car. I'd like those two things to be the same.

Sincerely,
Dr. Pants, M.D., Ph.D., D.D.P.

Fine, I'll write something already

After getting bitched out by both Dr. Wife and my friend Nate "All You Haters" about my recent predilection for Twitter vs. full blog posts, I will concede defeat and write something.

Last night, America made a great choice. Barack Obama is our President-Elect. But I'd like to be clear on one point.

John McCain wasn't my choice for the post. And I think that Sarah Palin, too delicate to withstand a single unscripted press conference, was a bad choice for VP or Governor of Alaska or even head of the PTA.

But had they won, as disheartened and unhappy as I would have been, I'd still be an American.

This morning, a lot of Republicans are going through what the Democrats faced in 2004 -- the majority made a different choice. And I won't lie and say I took it well. I was pissed. I railed against George W. Bush and his power-grabbing ways and policies that denied scientific fact.

But I was still an American. And he was still my President.

It's easy to be the magnanimous winner -- to say that this is the time to put aside our differences and work together -- because my party did win. I'm sure it's much harder to be a gracious loser this morning and accept that not everybody shares your ideas about how this country should be run.

But if you listened to Barack Obama's acceptance speech last night, I don't know how, as an American, you can say no to what he's asking of us. How do you tell people you won't work with them to repair the economy? How do you say no to making America healthier and happier?

I was inspired last night. Even hearing the speech again on my way to work, I got chills. We have problems -- so many problems they're hard to count -- but for the first time in a long time, I have hope that we can solve them. Why? Because by electing Obama, we've faced one of our biggest problems head-on and applied it directly to the nation's forehead. We are equal. We are Americans before we are men and women of a race or a creed or an orientation.

And if we can't take that energy and start healing our other woes, then I don't know what to tell you. I don't know that anything can make America better if this cannot.