Holiday Cheers and Jeers

I don't know about you guys, but when I think about hard-hitting journalism, in-depth think pieces and the highest quality writing on the planet, I think about TV Guide.

And so, in an homage to their brilliant "Cheers and Jeers" section, here are my own thoughts on the mostly concluded holiday season of aught-eight.

Cheers to Dr. Wife, who once again put me to shame in the gift-giving category. Not only did she buy presents for everybody on Earth and some in other dimensions, they were all well-chosen gifts. My own big present -- the Unicorn Magnum Pepper Grinder -- would seem boring to anybody else on the planet, except for me. I cannot tell you how unironically excited I am to cook chili using that pepper grinder. I want to season chicken RIGHT NOW.

Jeers to the "War on Christmas" meme that keeps getting brought up every year. Yeah. America hates Christmas. It's that exact hatred that makes us put everything else on hold for at least two weeks to shop, wrap, decorate, cook, make travel plans and hang out with our families. Just because Christmas doesn't mean the same thing to us as it does to you doesn't mean we hate Christmas. It just means we hate you. ("You" in this case is Bill O'Reilly.)

Cheers to my mother-in-law, who makes everything perfect through sheer force of will. Did everybody want to go bowling? No. Did we have a great time? Yes. Did everybody want to go back to her house and play "Do You Know Your Family", game show style? No. Did we all end up loving it? Yes. Thank God she's on the side of the angels (God and angels both being fictional), because if she was evil, she'd be the cutest Hitler EVER.

Jeers to random millionaires for not finding me and giving me enough money to live comfortably on for the rest of my life. I was really counting on you guys to keep me from having to head back to work.

Cheers to my friends, for making time for me amid the holiday confusion and stress. I loved seeing Big Time and Rita, Brit and Chris, Nate and Jen and the rest of you lovable losers.

Jeers to Dr. Pants, for not making time to go to a kick-ass party at Bob's house Saturday night, largely because of the aforementioned game show/bowling night. I wanted to be there. I wish I had been there. I regret not being there.

OK, so how was everybody else's Christmas?