It's the most wonderful expensive time of the year

I am considering giving up friendships. And possibly family-ships. All these ships are getting expensive.

You: "Oh, great, it's time for Ol' Pants to start bitching about being broke all the time again! It must be (checks watch) five whole minutes since the last time!"

Me: "Why are you being such an asshole?"

You: "Maybe because you're so worked up about how much presents cost that you're positing ending our friendship so you don't have to buy them for me, totally skipping over the fact that, if anyone was going to end this friendship, it would be me."

Me: "Oh, that is just like you. Suddenly I'm the needy friend. Thanks. That makes me want to keep this friendship going. That doesn't make me take the above joke a little more seriously."

You: "Fuck you."

Me: "No, fuck you!"

...

Ahem. Sorry about that. My inner-outer monologues tend to get heated. Of course I'm not actually going to end any friendships over the cost of presents. Hell, if I had more money, I'd buy my friends better stuff. As it is, I feel bad that I'm spending what seems like a large chunk of my meager income for what turns out to be pretty crappy presents.

And I'm sorry if money has come up too much as a topic. Listen, if I was single, dateless and horny, I'm sure money wouldn't come up so much. But I'm married, old and cheap, so you're either going to a) listen to my money woes, b) listen to my medical woes or c) smarten up and stop listening altogether.

Hell, at least my friends are easier to buy for than my family. Is there anything more telling about our relationships with our parents than the relative hardship of finding something decent for them for Christmas? I love my parents. I love my brother and his wife. But do I know them? I mean, enough to know of things they want that they don't have? Sadly, no.

Worse still, it's become apparent that the things I like are definitely not the things they like. So my natural inclination to buy them DVDs of old TV shows they like, because that's something I like, is wrong. My parents don't watch DVDs. They hardly like what's on TV now, but they watch it because it's on. If they had to get up and put a disc in, possibly missing "breaking news," they'd never watch TV.

No, my friends are easy. And not just in a slutty way. They have hobbies and interests that we talk about. I know the stuff they're into. Believe me, if I had any taste, shopping for my wife would be a breeze. Awesome purses? Cool sweaters? Fancy yarn? All things she loves. I couldn't pick them out to save my life, but there you go. At least I can throw a dart in the right direction.

And my brother and sister-in-law? I have NO clue. None. They buy whatever they want. They buy DVDs even I would be embarrassed to own, and I have eight copies of "Snatch" and former USA Up All Night favorites "H.O.T.S."

No, I really have no clue what to get them for Christmas. Nor do I have the money to get it for them. Well, at least I love little baby Jesus and OH MY GOD I THINK I HATE CHRISTMAS.

You: "Fuck you."

Me: "OK, that's enough."