I am not-broke broke

I wonder if, when I have kids, I will make things look as effortless as my parents did.

Both of my parents worked and, while we weren't exactly rich, we certainly weren't poor, either. We got to eat out once a week or so. Sometimes at a sit-down restaurant, sometimes just fast food. I never worried about the mortgage being paid or having enough groceries or anything like that.

In fact, when I learned how much my parents made, I thought it must be heavenly to be an adult and have so much cash at your disposal. Needless to say, I was a moron.

The truth is, I think I am probably better off now than they were at my age. We're still paying for our house, obviously, but we own both of our cars free and clear. We have credit card debt, which is my fault, but we're not using the card and we're paying it off. No student loans to pay. We both have retirement savings accruing. I put a little money aside every month, too.

But somehow, it seems like I'm always scraping by. And that's because we are, in a way. And that way is in my head. Because once the credit card is paid off, hopefully in less than a year's time, we'll have taught ourselves to live on much less than we make. Maybe we can save more. Maybe we can put more into our house.

In the meantime, however, when all the bills are paid and the end of the month draws near, I look at my bank account and worry and wonder if I can fill up my car AND buy groceries AND not dip, however slightly, into savings.

It's times like this that I am thankful I'm not in a worse position, which too many people are, and that I wish I could just grow the hell up and figure out how to do better or how to live on less. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it won't.

Now I wait. Just another week and a day until my coffers are, momentarily replenished. Then I'll pay the bills and I'll be back in the same spot a week or two later, wondering and worrying about gas and groceries.