Inspiration.

So, Christmas before last, Dr. Wife got me an ill-advised gift. She knew it was a bad idea and she told me that even as she handed it to me.

It was a video game. Civilization IV. And I play it just way too fucking much. Way, way, way too much. The same way I played two of the previous three versions of the game way, way, way too much.

The new version has a new feature (shocker!) called "Great People." Basically, you build or discover something really great and you get a superman -- a religious guy or an engineer or a merchant or a scientist or an artist -- and they can do some great shit. As a function of the game, it's great. But until recently, I never quite got how it made sense in the real world.

Great things make great people. A great work of engineering might inspire more engineers, who then come up with new ideas and new creations that inspire another generation, and so on.

Of course, the pyramids probably inspired some shitty engineers, too, so maybe it's a wash. All I know is, when I see a great piece of art, it inspires me do something of my own. Well, it makes me want to do something, I guess. I never seem to actually follow through.

Talking with Brit in the past, we've discussed the desire to create and the complete paralysis that takes us over as soon as we start. It's less true for her, because she keeps writing and making me look bad. Meanwhile, I don't even seem to want to be a writer anymore. I just want to pay off my credit cards, get the lawn looking respectable and take a nap.

But the last episode of "The Wire" aired last night and, surprise, I find myself wanting to create. But at the same time, I know I won't, because I'm afraid I can't, so why even try? And if I do create something, it will suck and people will hate it and then I'll have created something bad. See how that works? I can't make anything and even if I do, it will be crap and I shouldn't have done it to begin with.

These are all things that make it easier to kind of sit in my own filth. So I don't write and I don't clean up the house and I don't lose weight and I don't get in shape and I don't read the books I think I should read and I don't put in tile in the kitchen and I don't paint the house and I don't fertilize the yard and I don't work at being better at my job and I don't do my share of working on my marriage.

God, this is fucking depressing. I'm going to write a fucking press release now.